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 Calling Out to All Homeslice Poets!

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Schnapple (Shania)

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Join date : 2014-08-26
Age : 19
Location : Colorado

PostSubject: Calling Out to All Homeslice Poets!   Fri Aug 29, 2014 7:09 am

Just before I take my 4 day holiday weekend by heading to Mount Rushmore, I would like to know, do we have any poets here?
And I guess this second question can go to anyone who thinks they can help, but I was curious if someone could read a couple of my poems and tell me what you think. I love constructive criticism and I would like to make my poetry better with editing and practice.
Here are a couple of poems (be forewarned, they are extremely heartfelt):
Balance:
 
Black, Darkened Waters:
 
Heartless Machine:
 

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brandio

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PostSubject: Re: Calling Out to All Homeslice Poets!   Fri Aug 29, 2014 10:29 am

I am kinda new to writting poetry I can try to critique,

Schnapple (Shania) wrote:
Heartless Machine:

What do you want from me?
You want love?
Hah, pathetic.

I am mechanic, I think you want mechanical here instead of mechanic, but really you could get rid of this line alltogether because the rest of the stanza already tells the reader that you are mechanical
and my heart is run by oil you could probably drop the "and" here
with wires
and computers.  I think this is your strongest stanza in the poem

I am told what to think
and how to act.
How can I love you?

What happened to me?

You,
you happened to me.

You held me at a distance,
made me an object.

So here I am,
isn’t this what you wanted?

Hug me,
love me.
Show me that you care.

And now you will see that
I am
a heartless machine.

And I hope you will feel
the pain
of not being loved in return.


Yeah I think this is really heaert felt, the poem is very clear and its easy to feel what ur trying to express. My biggest problem with this poem is you do a lot of telling and not a lot of showing. I.E too many abstractions. I do like that the poem is adressed towards the exlover. Thnx for sharing :^)
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Schnapple (Shania)

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PostSubject: Re: Calling Out to All Homeslice Poets!   Fri Aug 29, 2014 6:44 pm

Thank you so much brandio! Those critiques make sense....I will try to edit "Heartless Machine" to make it sound better!

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HelLeahborus

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Age : 22
Location : Manchester, UK

PostSubject: Re: Calling Out to All Homeslice Poets!   Sun Aug 31, 2014 1:35 pm

In Balance I love the section:

Quote :
The mortal feeling of pain will always exist

We must keep in mind that we are not destined
to hurt
but instead
we are destined to live

It is so cohesive and succinct it makes me squee with joy. :3
I think, when I write I try (try being the operative word Razz ) to use punctuation and formatting to my advantage. I find when other people read my poetry, it helps them with how I intend it to sound and the emphasis on certain words or phrases that I want to convey. You may want to add some commas, periods, semicolons, or whatever you feel like to highlight the elements of your poems that you really want to stand out. Get someone you know to read out your poems to you and see if they're how you envisioned them. ^^

Good luck!! Very Happy

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Epsilon743

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Location : Spira

PostSubject: Re: Calling Out to All Homeslice Poets!   Mon Sep 01, 2014 2:33 am

I agree with HelLeahborus. Use punctuation to your advantage. Here's a little personal example (absolutely up for critique):

Like Today:
 

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Epsilon743

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PostSubject: Re: Calling Out to All Homeslice Poets!   Mon Sep 01, 2014 2:36 am

Also, in "Balance," since you have made balance and evenness the subject, one little detail I might suggest working on is balancing the syllables in each stanza. For example you wrote:

"For light
there will always be the shadows
For rain
there will always be the upcoming sunshine"

The syllable counts for each line are 2, 8, 2, 11

I would humbly suggest matching the syllable count in the second and third lines.

Thanks for sharing!

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Schnapple (Shania)

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PostSubject: Re: Calling Out to All Homeslice Poets!   Tue Sep 02, 2014 1:11 am

@HelLeahborus, thank you for pointing that out. I guess I never realized that I hadn't edited in the punctuation (as I normally go back over it after I "draft out" my ideas and emotions).

@Epsilon743 I never even considered the syllable count! (mind=blown) I will be rewriting that one, hopefully keep a keen eye out for the syllable count.

And to both of you on a completely unrelated note, I love your quotes so much! <3

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