
We're All Just a Slice of the Homeloaf |
| | Waterfall Story thing and Crazy Love | |
| Author | Message |
---|
Schnapple (Shania)

Posts : 20 Join date : 2014-08-26 Age : 21 Location : Colorado
 | Subject: Waterfall Story thing and Crazy Love Wed Sep 17, 2014 12:53 am | |
| Well, since no one's posted anything here yet, I'll make my stories the first (although I'm not as fond of these stories, but they are the only ones I have completely written). The first one, my waterfall story thing, does not have a title (since I'm terrible at coming up with them). It stems from some writing practice I did in middle school. Our teacher pulled up a picture and we were to write a story on whatever came to mind. The picture I was given was a picture of 3 or 4 monks in red walking across the most beautiful waterfall. I ended up losing the original and attempted (keyword: attempt) to try to rewrite it. This is the result. - Waterfall Story Thing:
-
Crack. The ice began split as I stepped lightly along the frozen water. Ahead of me, I could see four red figures halfway across the churning rapids of the Huangguoshu waterfall. The thought of danger flashed in the back of my mind but I pushed it away. If the monks whom I look up believe that this is safe, I thought, why should I doubt them. Besides, being the first group of monks in years to reach the sacred temple is an opportunity I shouldn’t pass up. Anyways, as an apprentice, I had no power to complain. I just do what my elders tell me and I obey. Without question. But now, I question obsessively. As we trekked up the mountain, I found myself getting further and further behind. Eventually, they told me that they would wait for me to catch up since I was being so slow. Of course, my common sense told me to let them wait for me, but my ego said otherwise. I called out saying that I'd be alright and for them to continue moving, that I'd catch up. Now I regret it. Here I am, trying to cross the churning rapids of this waterfall, with frozen mist clinging to my vision and burdening me. The ice that covers the rocks are virtually impossible not to slip on. For an average human that is. Me, well, after learning the ways of zen and balance, the skip along the rocks seemed more plausible. The mist was still freezing, but as I continued along the stones, I felt my mind leave the task at hand. And with that, so did my eyes. Around me was a sight of beauty. The falling water left mist that covered the entire area, and obscured my vision, but that was what made it more glorious. It felt mysterious and soothing at the same time. I realized that at this time, I was just standing on a rock in the middle of the waterfall, gazing out into the vast sky of clouds that met at it's drop. Out past the end of the waterfall, you can faintly see the sun breaking through the mist and coloring the clouds in pink and orange tones. The rays also hit the falling water, making the droplets sparkle. I was in awe of the scenery around me and I couldn’t help but being surprised that no one has really seen this before. The only thing that brought me out of my stupor was the fatigue that had begun to attack at my legs. I could feel them shaking and I knew it was time to hurry along across the river. I stepped lightly, only touching the icy rocks. Crack, crack was all I could hear behind me as the river’s ice began to break up and float down the peak. I was almost to the other side when I looked ahead of me, and froze. My next step no longer existed. The water had broken up the ice that gave me enough distance to the next rock. I was stuck on my little rock, unable to continue on. But I had to try, for the sake of both my life and my reputation. I jumped as far as I could, feeling my life slowing down as I saw my feet land just shy of the next solid rock. Creeeeack. I knew it was over. As I felt my body slip out from underneath me and the rushing current sweep me towards the edge of the falls, I looked out towards the misty landscape I had just praised for its beauty. Only looking close, I could feel the silent invitation to fall into those clouds with the imaginative dream that they would catch me in a soft embrace. With that thought in my mind, gravity grabbed hold of my body and pulled me swiftly towards the core of the earth. Instead of fear, I felt peaceful as I gazed out towards the beauty around me, and when I finally blacked out, the dream of the clouds catching me becoming my last reality.
The other story, Crazy Love, was a result of my willingness to write, but with no topic in mind, and my friend giving me the starter "A person meets their lover in an asylum." I tend to show this to people to prove that I really can't write a story with a positive ending. I wrote this one a few years ago, probably just a few months after the original waterfall story. I liked the idea I had with the story, but I feel like my execution is just...off, although I can't explain why. Anyway...here's Crazy Love! (Also, sidenote: I'm terrible with coming up with names, so enjoy the off-the-top-of-my-head names I gave these characters). - Crazy Love:
-
“Chris Ludwig,” an officer called out to me, “may I see your admittance pass?” I obediently flashed the simple white ID badge to him. “Thank you sir, I hope you enjoy your first visit in Gallant Gardens.” He pushed a button while speaking, allowing the metal gates to open with a creak. As I drove into the parking lot of the area, I began to let my mind drift. What if she doesn’t even remember me? If she does remember me, what do I say if she doesn’t want to see me? How is this time apart going to affect our relationship? Many different, scary scenarios began to roll through my head. I pulled the key of the ignition with shaky hands. My body went into autopilot so that my fears wouldn’t get in my way of this moment. Walking into the second set of barred gates led me into the actual facility. A narrow path slid its way through the abundant vegetation with a brick red building towering in the center of it all. Along the many side roads led to different benches and various water spectacles. This would all live up to its namesake if it weren’t for the fact that it was more fearful than beautiful. All the trees and bushes lie limp and dead while overgrown weeds and roots scatter the unkept path. The cracked benches and leaking fountains only added to the ambiance of the place. The cold chill of the late autumn winds sent chills down my spine as I lonesomely hurried along this broken road. As I reached to the end of the ghastly trail, I saw the entrance of the brick building. Upon it's door hung a sign symbolizing the name of this horrible place. Pushing the door back I hustled into the facility. Inside, the stench of sterilizing cleaners almost knocked me cold. I leaned on the door to steady my quivering body from both the lack of courage and the dizziness of strong scents. As I regained my strength I looked over to my right to see a long blinding white hallway that led to the first sign of civilization since I had first pulled into the place. Using the wall as a place to gain momentum, I pushed off of it and let my body stumble its way over to the desk at the end of the hallway. My head instinctively turned to look at the rooms along the hallways. Within the simple confinements were people in hospital nightgowns. Some looked out the windows longingly, others were asleep, and the rest were trying to find some way to occupy themselves with what little commodities that the rooms provided. I was almost brought to tears at the sight of them as I was reminded of her. I turned away Reaching the desk, I rung the bell and waited for service. A young lady wearing pink nurse garbs quickly replied as she first sluggishly walked towards the desk and then noticed me and came bouncing over. "Hi there! My name is Nurse Joy. This is the first time in a while that we've had a visitor. Welcome to Gallant Gardens Psychology facility!" “Hi,” I replied with a voice lacking any animation, “I am here to see Mayleen Weinbacher for the first time.” The nurse’s eyes glittered with a life that seemed surely fake; her singsong voice only added to my suspicions. Actually, other than her, the facility seemed haunting and depressing. A kind of scene that only stalked you in your darkest nightmares and fears. This all added more reason for me to stand behind the desk trembling and clammy. “Oh, May? Yes, I heard from the head that she was expecting a visitor.” She spoke as she reached down and pulled out a bright pink clipboard with a pen and paper already attached. “In order for you not to go through this hassle again, we need you to fill out this form. While you’re doing that we’ll go make sure May is ready to see you.” Handing me the form, she leaned over the counter and whispered, “You do realize that she is our most traumatically affected patients? I hope you also know that she may see you as other people or even make up stories about you to comprehend her nightmares and make them reality.” My lips went dry. I knew her condition was bad, but the worst in the facility? I attempted to swallow, saying, “No, I didn’t know, but I’ll make sure that her words won’t affect me.” In a weird way, I was curious as to what stories she could come up with. But with that curiosity came a knot in my stomach, solidifying some of the fears I had as I walked up to the building. Numbly, I smiled at the nurse, walked over to a chair, and filled out the form. I stopped for only the question: How is this patient related to you? I was slightly comforted and yet chilled as I wrote down “Fiancé.” Upon finishing the form, I clicked the pen shut and place it back on the clipboard. I stood up and began to cross the waiting room so that I could return the papers I filled out. Every step seemed heavy and it felt like the clipboard weighed more that it originally did. As I reached the desk, I waited for the nurse to arrive so that I could give her the form. Minutes flew by like hours as almost 10 minutes passed while I stood waiting. Then came the scream. At first, it took me a moment to register the sound. The high-pitched, ear piercing screech shook me out of my upright daze I was in. Instincts took over as I threw the clipboard down and sprinted into the blindingly white hallway to the right of me. Through my panic I barely noticed the blank stares and cowering stances that the occupants of some of the rooms had. If I did notice them as I ran, I didn’t recall it. Once I had reached the end of the sets of rooms, panic hit me again. The upcoming breath was ripped from my lungs and replaced with a gasp along with a sob that were both caught in my throat. At end of the room was a body lying limp and contorted on the floor. She wore pink nurse garments that were ripped to bloody shreds. I shakily slid across the wall to her dead body. As soon as I reached her remains, I dropped to my knees, searching for a sign of life. My plight was all for nothing as her eyes were cold and vacant, just like the halls around me. Seeing her mangled body, I sighed of silent relief. At least her death was quick. Shudders and chills paralyzed me in fear. Whoever killed her is most likely still here. I looked back down at the body and its inhuman slashes at its midsection. Whoever or whatever, I corrected. The thought jolted me out of my daze and I began to scramble to my feet. I have to get out of here, my thoughts rang. No, another, more stern voice replied, you cannot just leave Mayleen behind like that. How shameful would it be for you to leave your lover to the same fate as the victim below you? Images of my beautiful fiancé turned to ribbon of flesh and blood flashed in my mind. I looked down and saw her auburn curls instead of the nurse’s blonde pigtails. I darted into the nearest open door and shut it behind me. Sliding my back along the metal surface, I realized that the blood trailed into here. I was about to raise suspicion until... “Oh! Nurse Joy, I’m so glad you finally came. There’s some red paint that spilt in my room and I was hoping you could clean it up.” The sounds of a singsong voice carried from right of the entryway. It was young. It was innocent. It was... Mayleen. My heart somersaulted with the relief of finding her. Now all I have to do is is convince her to leave with me. I stood up, brushed myself off, and began to follow the path her voice carved. It almost felt like I was floating off of the thoughts I had. At the end of the room was a kitchen. In that kitchen, May was standing there with her back turned towards the stove. She was wearing a dark blue tank top with a pair of bleached capri jeans.Her red hair was in wet curls hanging in front of her face. “Hi there May.” I couldn’t contain my joy in my voice nor could I keep it even. “My name is Chris. Do you remember me?” She spun on her heels. Her eyes flashed in immediate fear as she gripped the stove’s handlebar. An audible gasp hung in the air. “You,” she was barely above a whisper as her trembling arms dragged her across the countertop, moving away from me. I carefully inched my way towards her, similar to how I would confront a cowered dog. “May, baby, it’s your fiancé Chris. I came today to see you like I said I would.” Now I struggled to keep my voice even and calm, trying to correct the eagerness I had in it before. “No, stay away. Stay away from me.” Her voice began to rise as she clamped her hand around the object she was trying to reach the entire time. I was too blind to see she was reaching for a kitchen knife, the butcher knife to be exact. “You hurt me once, I won’t let you do that again.” And that’s when I saw the blood. On her clothes, on her knife, and a thick trail leading out to the hallway was the crimson that many dread seeing. “Baby, please, let’s be calm and civil people. I’m sure we can talk this out.” She began to shakily jut out her knife towards me as she advanced, one slow step after another. “Oh, I’m being calm alright. Ms.Joy came to tell me that you had come to see me. I was calm enough to see that she didn’t come get you. You, being the idiot you are, came running anyways when you heard the obvious signs of danger. So, in order to punish you for your heroic behavior, I think I am certainly calm enough to see that your fate ends like hers. Especially since you left me for dead all those years ago when I was first holed up in this prison.” As she ended her speech, she had long since pinned me against a wall and was holding the tip of the knife painfully at my Adam’s apple. I couldn’t speak with what room she left me with. I tried to say something, but the sounds that came from my throat were inhuman and scary. She must have gotten the hint as she added with: “I hope you get to enjoy your time in hell, Chris Ludwig.” She stabbed me through the artery. Pain rose to the point of seeing only black and white. I couldn’t even feel my legs give out from underneath me but I somehow ended up on the floor. For some reason I felt myself struggle and hurt, but it all felt too far away. Everything I felt became serene and subtle. The last thing I remember before I let eternal sleep drag me into it’s depths was a kiss on my forehead added with: “I love you darling.”
_________________ ~"She realized as a girl of eight that if she sat down and wrote her stories, she could escape the parts of life she didn't like, embroider the parts she did and thus control her life."~ Dudley Clendenin
|
|  | | KadetJaina

Posts : 27 Join date : 2014-08-29 Age : 26 Location : Czech Republic
 | Subject: Re: Waterfall Story thing and Crazy Love Wed Sep 17, 2014 6:31 am | |
| I like it! I really like both of those stories. The first one is more or less just description of the story - but it's short and when it was a school project it's understandable. If it was me, I would put more direct speeches there. But when it comes to description I envy you - I am horrible at writing those. And you made it look real  . And the second story - I found some repeating of words ("The cold chill of the late autumn winds sent chills down my spine"...) and there was missing fullstop somewhere. But anyways again, short story, a bit predictable (since you said you can't write happy endings) and I liked it. Though there is a question - if May is the most traumatized person, shouldn't there be more security around her? I just can't see how did she get that knife so simply. That one should be thought through. When it comes to names of the stories, I have similar problem. I spend so much time just coming up with perfect title. Sometimes even more than with simple writing. And bad endings? I think it will change with time if you write more. Because there is many different endings you can go for (not only good and bad). There are those neutral ones that make people smile bitterly or be angry at writer etc. I like those ones most. There was a time I was writing mostly bad endings and I still like them more than "they lived happily ever after..." but sometimes there is need for both. But as I said, I am that bitch author that will probably stay neutral mostly :'D. I've written too much... Going. Keep doing great work, apparently you can write very well it just needs more time and more writing... as with every art  . K. |
|  | | Schnapple (Shania)

Posts : 20 Join date : 2014-08-26 Age : 21 Location : Colorado
 | Subject: Re: Waterfall Story thing and Crazy Love Wed Sep 17, 2014 10:23 pm | |
| Thank you for the constructive criticism! I've never thought of a neutral ending, and that might be the idea that I'd like to try the next time I write a story. Just as confirmation, how would, say, Crazy Love, become a neutral ending story? For the repeating words, I didn't even notice that. You're the first reader who's noticed it too. And the idea with May, this was an unplanned story, so I honestly glazed right over the logic of the story...although that's no excuse, I should've thought of that. And last but not least (I realize that i'm answering your comments backwards), thank you for the compliments towards my writing. I hope that I can put myself into a routine of writing that'll get me more practice, which is what I need most right now. _________________ ~"She realized as a girl of eight that if she sat down and wrote her stories, she could escape the parts of life she didn't like, embroider the parts she did and thus control her life."~ Dudley Clendenin
|
|  | | KadetJaina

Posts : 27 Join date : 2014-08-29 Age : 26 Location : Czech Republic
 | Subject: Re: Waterfall Story thing and Crazy Love Thu Sep 18, 2014 4:38 am | |
| For Crazy Love I think that neutral ending would be open ending - I don't know if she killed him/they sit and talked and I don't know what they came up with/ or completely different - he visited her, he survived and he left her there and he knows he will not visit her again. That may be count as bad ending at some point, but not as bad as him dying. On the other hand - if written badly it may recall feeling of waste of time - why did I read this story, it doesn't have any conclusion! (that's problem with many neutral endings, it needs something interesting so they don't seem like waste of time). For the repeating of the words, I don't know about English but in Czech it's big issue in writing. If you write and read long enough, you can see it when it's there. Again - rules in both languages differs but I think repeating is not good even in English, am I right? And you are welcome, of course  . It's good to write more often but I don't believe in "you have to write everyday to be good" theme. I write when I feel like writing. But everyone needs something else. Maybe routine is also good. I hope you will write more and I'd like to read something again  . |
|  | | Sponsored content
 | Subject: Re: Waterfall Story thing and Crazy Love  | |
| |
|  | | | Waterfall Story thing and Crazy Love | |
|
| Permissions in this forum: | You cannot reply to topics in this forum
| |
| |
| |
|